Answer:
Dear Questioning,
I want to cut and paste a letter I wrote to a student who was struggling to bring the problem under control. It isn’t as bad as fornication or adultery but it certainly leaves the participant feeling unworthy. Whether to partake of the Sacrament or not is really between you and the Lord. If you involve the bishop he may feel impressed to restrict you for some time. You might want to read 1 Corinthians 11:23-32 for some scriptural direction. Now for the letter that goes beyond what you ask but may give you some ideas on how to take control of yourself.
I wish I could tell you that you are the only one plagued with this problem– you are not! Statistics reveal that about 95% of young men and 65% of young women engage in masturbation before their 20th birthday. That doesn’t make it right and it doesn’t lessen the feelings of weakness that you have verbalized so eloquently.
Let’s talk turkey about the problem before offering some suggestions. Answer a question: Are those sexual feelings you are experiencing good or bad? The real answer is that they are good. They were placed in your body and activated many years before the Lord knew you would be authorized to use them. So don’t make the mistake of saying that you are bad because you are feeling the emotions which God placed in your body.
Why would God pull such a “mean” trick to turn on those desires so long before they are to be used? Could it be that controlling those emotions constitute part of the test of mortality? If you had no sexual desires before you were married, how would you know that you could resist those temptations?
Is masturbation in the same category of sin as fornication and adultery? The answer is “no” but based on the way one feels after participating in such activities, it is obviously not good. If it was “good” why would you feel “bad” after masturbating? However, it is a manifestation that, as of that very moment in time, your unruly telestial body is controlling your celestial spirit– just backwards from what is necessary for you to go to the celestial kingdom.
It seems like any time Satan can tempt us to follow the “lusts of the flesh” (see Galatians 5) that he can cause us to slow up our spiritual progress. Since Satan is called “the enemy of all righteousness (see Alma 34:23), then we should expect that he is going to oppose any righteous effort we make. Since you need to control and overcome the practice before serving a mission, you can see that Satan will do all in his power to get you to mess up and therefore postpone, delay, or possibly forfeit your opportunity to serve a mission.
Since masturbating makes you feel dirty, unclean, and unworthy, if Satan can tempt you to continue the practice, then he can pretty well be assured that you will lose your confidence in your ability to enter the temple worthily and hence not be worthy to serve your foreordained mission.
So what can be done about it? First and foremost you must have confidence that you can and will overcome the problem. It may not be easy and it may not happen instantaneously, but you will succeed. Just realizing that you want to change is a huge first step. Too many want to resign themselves to a life of spiritual mediocrity rather than fight the battle. So let’s look at some proactive steps you can take to begin the battle.
First you must know yourself well enough to know if there are certain triggers which start the cycle of increasingly, inappropriate physical activity. It might be when you watch a certain DVD or movie. It could be when you see a girl dressed in provocative clothing. It might be when you and your friends have been talking about sexual things. Generally, my experience in working with hundreds of young men and women, is that with a little effort and serious thought, they can identify something that causes their minds to wander into forbidden paths.
Continuing the quest to know yourself, identify, if you can, the place and/or time when the problem occurs. It is late at night? When you are in bed? In the shower? After a date? After a movie? When you have had a terrible day or a really good day? Have you just finished reading the scriptures or returned from a spiritual fireside? The more you know about the times of greatest vulnerability, the easier it will be to redouble your efforts to control. You might think it strange that I would list such things as after reading the scriptures or attending a spiritual fireside, but look at Joseph Smith and Moses’ experience. Joseph Smith had an “equal and opposite” temptation just before the pillar of light. Moses’s “equal and opposite” came immediately after. Don’t let down your guard just because you have enjoyed a spiritual experience.
Now given that you have been successful at identifying the triggers, the times, and the places where Satan has succeeded in the past in getting you to mess up. Now take the proactive approach. EVERY TIME you catch your mind starting to wander into forbidden paths, thank Satan for the reminder that you want to do something that will help you achieve your eternal goal. If I were you, I would suggest you have a list of activities you automatically default to whenever you find yourself being tempted. For example Plan “A” might be to read a chapter from the Book of Mormon; Plan “B” memorize a passage of scripture; Plan “C” sing a hymn or listen to the Tabernacle Choir sing one or memorize the words to a hymn; Plan “D” get down on your knees and plead for help and thank the Lord for the Atonement to help you overcome the temptation. Plans E through Z can be of your own making. It might be that you re-read your patriarchal blessing or call your parents or a trusted friend and chat for a few minutes. You might even get up and bake a batch of cookies, or go shovel snow or go for a jog or walk. With a little creativity, you can come up with several dozen fun, desirable things you look forward to doing every time you are tempted. It really doesn’t matter what time of the day or night the temptation occurs. Even if you are asleep and become conscious of the temptation, get up and do something about it.
Realize that Satan isn’t intelligent, but he isn’t stupid either. When he realizes that you not only do not fall into his deceptive trap every time he throws it in your way, but actually do something that takes you further away from his kingdom and power, then he backs off and hits you from a different angle.
Too often, after many failed attempts to overcome weaknesses (not just self-abuse, but any weakness we are working to overcome), we begin to see ourselves as the victim rather than the conqueror that we are born to be. Remember the Lord said: “For verily I say unto you, I will that ye should overcome the world; wherefore I will have compassion upon you” (D&C 64:2).
If you don’t think it possible to overcome the problem, note carefully what the Lord said: “And by giving heed and doing these things which ye have received [that would be scriptures], and which ye shall hereafter receive [that could be quotes from latter-day prophets]--and the kingdom is given you of the Father, and power to overcome all things which are not ordained of him” (D&C 50:35, emphasis and bracketed words added). There isn’t anything that Satan would rather have you believe than that you are a helpless, weak victim who can never resist his temptations.
Remember the story of the creation of the world as recorded in Moses? After each of the creative periods, the Lord said “it was good.” It wasn’t perfect, and there was a long way to go when He first started commending the progress that was made. Don’t wait until you have been free for six months or a year to recognize the progress you are making. If you are currently giving in to the temptations on a daily basis and can go for two days, then it is time to rejoice. If you can go three or four days, that is wonderful. When you get to a week it is time to party. Two weeks and you deserve a special dinner. A month and you are nearly home free.
However, even when you have been free from the practice for six months or a year, don’t let your guard down. The devil is patient and persistent. He will hit you where and when he saw in the past that his temptations were successful. However, given that you have gone so long without giving into the temptation, it should give you the confidence that you can make it a life-long goal to never fall back again. If you happen to slip up, don’t get discouraged. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go for it again.
If you have a really close parent, leader, or friend who you want to confide in, then get them to check up on you on a regular basis. Just knowing that you have to account often gives you the strength to resist.
I know this has been long, but I can sense the disappointment and hurt you are feeling. Know that I am not casting any stones. I am only try to give you the help you need to continue the battle until the victory is yours. If I can help further, let me know.
Bro. Bott
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