I wish I could teach the whole world what a powerful, cleansing influence the atonement of Christ has on people who have made mistakes. The second part of what I would like to teach is the role that the adversary plays in destroying our self-esteem and confidence in our ability to be exalted beings. I don’t know how long this response will be but I want it to be long enough so you can correctly see where you stand with the Lord.
First, you made a mistake as a teenager. Those were turbulent days when the body and mind were on different courses and often never met until later. I am not trying to justify your immorality but the Lord looks with compassion on the young, inexperienced kids who have just discovered that they have hormones and without almost superhuman resolve, far too many are sure they know all about it and are adult enough to handle sexual experiences. All find out (generally too late) that they were succored by the adversary—who is called five times in scriptures “the enemy to ALL righteousness”.
When you confessed to the bishop and felt that burden lifted and had that joy and happiness return to your life, that was God’s way of “signalizing” that you had been forgiven. In Moses 6:60 after teaching Adam why a man must repent and be baptized, the Lord said: “By the water ye keep the commandment, by the Spirit ye are justified, and by the blood ye are sanctified.” What that means is: we go into the waters of baptism because that is an observable act testifying to men on earth and angels in heave that we are willing to keep God’s commandments. Justified means we are without divine condemnation. How can you tell? When the Spirit is with you, you are living as well as the Lord expect you to given the amount of light and knowledge that He has revealed to you. It means you have satisfied His prerequisites to trigger the sanctifying power of the Atonement of Christ. To be sanctified means to be cleansed, purified, and made holy. That happens when the Blood of Christ is activated in your behalf.
When you left the bishop’s office years ago, thrilled with the Spirit, you should have known that you were no longer the “old woman of sin” (see Romans 6:3-6) but because of the Atonement of Christ you had become “a new creature in Christ” (see Mosiah 27:25-26). If you had really understood, you would never have looked upon yourself as an immoral girl. Why? Because the “new creature in Christ” had never been immoral.
The same thing applies when you made a mistake later in life. You may think that because you dropped the ball a second time that you have gone beyond the point of no return. That is exactly what Satan is screaming in your ears. That is one reason he is called “a liar from the beginning” (see D&C 93:25). The Lord said in Mosiah 26:30: “Yea, and as often as my people repent will I forgive them their trespasses against me.” Does that sound to you like two strikes and you are out?
True it was a huge mistake to go to the temple without completing the steps of repentance, but it wasn’t an unforgivable sin. The fact that you have made it right with the bishop and stake president and feel that joy and happiness much of the time ought to be a testimonial to you that you are clean. In D&C 111:8 the Lord said: “And the place where it is my will that you should tarry, for the main, shall be signalized unto you by the peace and power of my Spirit, that shall flow unto you.” As long as you have the Spirit with you, you can rest assured that you are a candidate for the highest degree of the celestial kingdom and if you continue on the course you are pursuing, you will eventually become an exalted being.
Don’t expect that Satan will just roll over and play dead and allow you to go uncontested through life enjoying the Spirit. He will always dredge up the past and fling it in your face to try to make you feel unworthy, helpless, hopeless, not-the-stuff-the-celestial-kingdom-is-made-of. How do you tell whether it is the Lord telling you that you need further repentance or Satan trying to drag you down? Mormon says it is a plan as daylight is from dark night (see Moroni 7). Before he began His ministry Christ was a carpenter or a Builder. Satan, on the other hand is called “the destroyer.” If it is the Savior urging you to repent you will get a feeling that is almost a euphoric, excited feeling. Like “If I do this one thing, I can soar with the eagles spiritually.” If it is Satan trying to destroy you, you will feel depressed, negative, hopeless, etc.
It doesn’t take a PhD in Theology to determine who is trying to destroy your self confidence. As I read your e-mail, I don’t see an immoral woman at all. I see a pure, clean daughter of God who is well on her way to eternal life. Why would you consider going back and re-identifying yourself with someone who was crucified by the Atonement of Christ many years ago? Don’t ever look back at yourself as the “old woman of sin.” She is gone and will never be mentioned again and according to D&C 58:42-43, God will remember her no more. Trust that the Lord is telling it the way it really is. Learn from your past but don’t wallow in self-pity because of what the old woman of sin did.
I just hope and pray that you will take a minute and thank the Lord for His atonement and then ask if what I have written is true. You will get the manifestation that ought to put to rest (forever) any thoughts of you being unworthy.
Bro. Bott
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